


I Set Your Heart On Fire (Also Your Toaster)

by Twisted_Magic



Series: Jokering With Batsy [1]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: "A Villain Made Me Breakfast", Breaking and Entering, Crack, Flaming Toaster, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Old Batsuits, Pink Batmobile, Wayne Manor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-28
Updated: 2013-08-28
Packaged: 2017-12-24 21:41:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/944969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twisted_Magic/pseuds/Twisted_Magic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alfred Pennyworth forgets to lock the window, so Bruce Wayne wakes up to find a villain has set his toaster on fire. And made him breakfast. A very burnt breakfast, but food none the less. </p><p>A little ficlet about Joker crushing on Brucie, but Bruce doesn't want his crispy toast.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Set Your Heart On Fire (Also Your Toaster)

The Butler was tired, very tired...

He had spent several hours dusting off all his Master's old Batsuits. _How many suits can he go through in a year?_ He had thought. _This suit is half eaten by acid, that suit has both it's arms torn off and I don't even want to KNOW what happened to that one._ The butler had asked him why he needed to spend so much time (and so much money on feather dusters) on suits he should have thrown out years ago. His first explanation had been; " _just how do you think that would look to the garbage collectors? Batsuits in my dumpster!_ " he had tsked. The second, when he was in a bad mood, had been; " _I need to keep my failures close to me. That way I can look back at my previous mistakes and see what I need to improve. Now, if only I knew how to fix the problem that everyone keeps gassing me..._ "

The butler climbed the basement stairs, swinging his duster in his right hand, clutching the railing with his left. He locked the door behind him, remembering the time a reporter had once gotten halfway down the stairs to the vault with the Batsuits in them before he had caught him. The butler sighed and traipsed down the hallway to the kitchen, shivering only slightly as he passed below the family portraits which lined the walls, feeling as if their eyes were following him. He reached the kitchen safely though, switching on the light with relief. He felt confused for a few moments as to why he felt so... nervous. Then he placed the feeling: _I feel as if I'm being watched._ He then immediately turned around to peer down the long, dark hallway behind him, then was suddenly overcome by the urge to close the door. He frowned and walked around the kitchen table to the fridge, rolling his shoulder as he did so. _Its been getting stiffer lately,_ he observed. The butler hooked the feather duster onto his cleaning supply utility belt and swung the fridge open to find his Master's Fruitopia, which he took great pleasure in having the secret of drinking this at night. He sat down at the table with a glass of the juice, with a feeling he was forgetting something. He quickly ran through a mental list of his to-do's for the evening. _I've done everything...._ He shrugged, placed the glass in the dishwasher, then headed up to bed. In bed, just before he gave into the tug of sleep, it dawned on him that he had forgotten to close the kitchen window...

 _Not to worry though._ And Alfred Pennyworth fell asleep.

Bruce Wayne was shaken out of his dream (a very nice one about him and The Joker having coffee together), by a woman's scream. Bruce's head snapped up, shaking the sleep from his brain. His thoughts jumbled together as he instinctively jumped out of bed and grabbed the Batarang he always kept under his pillow, then raced to door. _Whats going on?_ He thought as he kicked his door open, enjoying the satisfaction of kicking, and looked down both ends of the hallway. Bruce heard a cackle, followed by another woman's scream, echo up the main staircase to his right, so he decided to run that way. _Run towards the havoc,_ he repeated in his head. Bruce had only just reached the top of the stairs when Alfred appeared at the bottom, a stormy look on his face. _This can't be good._ Bruce ran down the stairs four at a time to grab his butler's shoulders. "What's going on, Alfred?" He demanded. Alfred's nostrils flared, pure annoyance and anger etched into his wrinkled face. "Master Bruce," Alfred crunched out through clenched teeth, "one of your precious villains is in the kitchen, setting the toaster on fire." 'WHAT?" exclaimed Bruce. He released his immortal butler and started down the hall to the kitchen, then remembered something. "Alfred," Bruce turned to face him, "who was that woman screaming?" Alfred's face turned a deep red. He avoided his Master's eyes when he mumbled; "that was me, sir." Bruce had to punch his fist tightly into his other hand to suppress the sudden urge to smile, then was distracted by the thought of wondering when was the last time BATMAN had started to SMILE. Just then, the fire alarm went off in the kitchen. "Right, villain setting the toaster on fire..." He reminded himself. Bruce jogged down the hall, his Batarang posed to fire at a moment's notice. He crept up to the door, slowly, ever so slowly slid his hand to the doorknob, but thought _why not?_ and kicked the door open instead.

The scene that greeted Bruce was... confusing. And that was just one way of putting it. The sound of the fire alarm poured out of the room, followed by a cloud of smoke, making Bruce cough. _A GAS MASK, THAT'S what I need!!_ He realized distractedly. Once his eyes had stopped watering, he was able to make out a figure that was stooped over the flaming toaster, desperately trying to fish out two pieces of toast with a pair of fireplace tongs. "Step AWAY from the toaster!" Bruce yelled. A shriek of joy came from the figure as they managed to pull out the toast, which they threw in the sink to extinguish the flames eating away at the bread. Bruce wiped the tears out of his eyes and was able to see the figure's clothes for the first time... _green pj pants and a purple bathrobe_? The figure scooped the toast out of the sink with a plate and whirled around to face Bruce. "Good morning, darling!" The Joker beamed at him. 

Bruce blinked. "Darling?" He asked cautiously. "I made you breakfast!" His supposed arch-nemesis said proudly, as if he hadn't heard him him, walking over to the table to stretch out on a chair and prop his purple slippered feet up on the table. The Joker pulled out a tub of Philadelphia cream cheese from his bathrobe, along with a razor sharp knife. Bruce raised his eyebrows and his Batarang, preparing to attack. "What do you think you're doing?" Bruce growled. The Joker simply opened the cream cheese and started to spread it across the supremely-burnt/sopping-wet toast with the killing device. He started humming 'Light 'Em Up', which reminded Bruce his thousand dollar toaster was going up in flames.

He grabbed a fire extinguisher and sent a few bursts at his beloved toaster, as well as the rare redwood cupboards above that had started to smoke. He waved a pink hand towel ( _why does Alfred only buy PINK hand towels?_ ) below the fire alarm and then reset it with the end of a spare feather duster, watching Joker scrap cream cheese over his toast all the while. Finally the fire alarm switched off. 

Bruce sighed and dropped into a chair across from Joker, glaring his eyes out. Joker looked up at Bruce to give him a huge grin, clearly pleased with himself that he had almost managed to make toast. "How did you sleep?" Joker asked him, as if it wasn't weird he had just broken into a billionaire's house. Bruce grunted and continued to glare at the villain. Joker snapped the lid back on the cream cheese and laid the knife down on the table. He then causally slid the plate toward Bruce. Bruce looked down at the dripping black toast that had nearly been torn to shreds by the Joker's sharp knife. _What do you say when your enemy makes breakfast for you?_ he wondered. "Thank you?" Bruce mumbled. Joker squealed in delight and clapped his hands together. "What are you doing here, Joker?" Bruce growled. "I came to make you breakfast, silly!" Joker giggled. Bruce's eye twitched. "How did you get in?" Joker waved his pale hand as if it were a stupid question. "Your butler left the window open last night, which I didn't know because I totally wasn't spying on your house." He grinned, pleased with himself. 

Bruce sighed and grimaced, rubbing his temples. "How did you even know I was Batman?" Bruce asked. Joker snorted. "I've known that for MONTHS, darling!" Bruce looked up at Joker in confusion. "Really? How?" Joker motioned for Bruce to lean in close, like he was going to tell him a secret. He cupped Bruce's ear to whisper in a sneaky voice: "that one night I spray painted your Batmobile pink, I also hid in your backseat to see where you lived. And by the way, why do you keep so many old Batsuits in your basement?" Bruce sputtered in anger, unsure how to answer. " Joker grinned, the paint on his face cracking, and patted his hand. "Isn't this great? Now you know that I know you're Bruce Wayne-or you're Batman, whichever way you want to look at it-we can keep in contact easier! You don't know how many times I tried to Google 'Batman's phone number'. Come on, lets exchange emails! Mine is murderisfun.jokester@-" Bruce held up his hand to silence him. "What makes you think I would give YOU my email?" Joker pouted and clasped Bruce's hands in his, laying his cheek on them, giving Bruce THE BIGGEST puppy-dogs-eyes he had ever seen. "We could have coffee together..." He whispered. Bruce sighed and closed his eyes. "Darkknight.awesome@yahoo.com," he reluctantly returned. Joker squealed and planted a quick kiss on their clasped hands, then pulled away and he heard the sound of Joker picking up his knife from the table. Bruce opened his eyes to see Joker perched on the window sill in his purple bathrobe, a piece of Bruce's breakfast in his hand. "You should put some pants on, Brucie," he chuckled. Bruce felt a flare of rage as he looked down, realizing for the first time he was only in boxer shorts. Bruce looked up and was just opening his mouth when Joker interrupted him. 

"I love you darling," The Joker sang. 

"I know."


End file.
